Let me tell you a little story about a boy… Well, he was more of a man. A man that craved a Big-Kat more than anything else on the planet. More than clothing. More than oxygen. More than a comfortable place to go to the bathroom…

CHAPTER 1 :: Story of the Elders
In the days of old, before the dawn of time, the Big-Kat was known for it’s legendary healing abilities and because of this trait it was more sought after than any mere currency… It was more important than any precious metal or possession. Men were known to trade three sheep, one rabbit pelt and their favorite action figure for just one taste of “The Kat”.

The village elders, code named “7-11” were the keepers of “The Kat” and would only dispense a bar once true nobility was proven. This “true nobility” could be proven in a number of ways:

1. Kill a dragon
2. Kill a Gnome
3. Beat a Donkey in a fist fight
4. Watch three consecutive episodes of “Home Improvement”

CHAPTER 2 :: His return
Sweat pored down the young boys face as his purple cape bellowed out behind him in a streak of violet lightning. “I am almost there” he thought to himself with a quick mental sigh… “If I can just make it…”

As he approached the tepee he realized the gravity of his actions.

“Vez” a loud voice bellowed with pain from inside. “Do you have it?”

CHAPTER 3 :: The Battle for Big Kat
As he plunged the sword into the top of the dragon’s skull, Vez decided that he could never kill again. The sadness inside of him swelled and he doubted weather the long journey that he had just taken was worth it… Was it worth it to not eat for 40 days? Was it worth loosing his only true love? And was it worth ending the life of this beautiful creature?

He realized that he had the rest of his life to wrestle with the fact that one part of him would never be complete again.

CHAPTER 4 :: The Elders
“There are only four ways to get a Big Kat” the crippled old man said while pointing his bony finger toward the soft faced boy. As the shadow from the fire danced in Ves’s teary eyes he realized that the old man was about to distribute advise. “I’ve seen many fully grown men meet Jehovah trying to watch that devil television program… You have to find the dragon.”

CHAPTER 5 :: Her Death

CHAPTER 6 :: The Journey To The Elders
“… BUT WE HAVE COME SO FAR!” she said while holding his weak head in her hands…. “I LOVE YOU VES!!! You can’t die on me now!”

“I love you to” he said in a weak, barely recognizable voice.

CHAPTER 7 :: They Meet
This woman seemed so mysterious, so… interesting… How could HE, the son of a poor shepard talk with such a lovely creature… “Hi” he said with a crack in his voice.

CHAPTER 8 :: The Answer
“You need a Big Kat boy… that is the only thing that’ll save him” the stranger said.

CHAPTER 9 :: The Beginning
Vez grabbed his medical bag and erupted from the teepee and ran toward the noise erupting from the field.

“AAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhh” the man was shouting as he grasped at this chest… Ves caught him as his weak body spilt upon the ground.

“I am dying Ves” he said.

CHAPTER 10 :: The End
As Ves unwrapped the Big Kat and broke a small piece off, careful not to spill any morsel, he doubts that this mystical chocolate would work. “Could this really save father” he thought to himself.

As he fed the frail man the piece of candy he began to see lights dancing around the tepee… A portal appeared in front of the bed where his father was laying and Tim Allen appeared.

“Thank you for NOT watching that crappy show I was in” he said with a stern face.

Just then his father arose form the bed and began singing in a Dixieland style.

Upon healing his father, Ves set out to repair his broken life.

He went back and healed the beautiful dragon that he was forced to kill… He went back and healed his true love and they lived as happily as two people could.

The Big Kat has endured and still holds legendary power… THE POWER OF DELICIOUSNESS!!!!


NOTICE TO THE PUBLIC: I wrote the above so that someone would buy me a Big Kat.

  1. Jamie
    Oct 24, 2008

    this is maybe the most awesome thing you have ever written.
    I will buy you that Big Kat.

  2. Joe
    Oct 24, 2008

    Gimmie a KAT!!!