Hi… I have Ape hands. As you can see from the diagram (unlabeled), I have roughly the same hands as an Ape. It is quite possible that I am the missing link… What’s funny is that I don’t remember a thing about being trapped in ice for over 10,000 years.

I have compared my hand size, in particular the finger length with people as young as 9… When the youngster gets done laughing over the fact that their hands are roughly the same size as mine, 78 always points out that I have “ape hands”. This got me thinking about several different things. Number one, since hand modeling is out of the question, is there something else that my hands could be perfect for… Well, I have to say that when I flip someone off, they seem to feel REALLY BAD. So maybe, just maybe, I have the perfect hands for flipping people off… Stay on my good side or you will find out!!!

Second, where in my family tree was this characteristic introduced. Has my family been plagued with this problem forever… Did someone in my family (generations ago of course) have “relations” with an ape? Did they “do it ape style”… What does that mean? Does my family tree include names such as Banjo, Kong or Clyde… The other really funny part (if your not me) is that the rest of my family, sans mother, is not as ape-handed as I am. What did I do to deserve this?

You would think that I should have superhuman strength… But, no. I am not blessed with ape-strength. As a matter of fact, I have received none of the good things about being an ape. I don’t climb particularly well, I don’t care to eat plants all that often and people never say “he is so ugly he is cute.”

Oh yeah… I have “turtle eyes” too… I will save that for another day.

  1. Sweet Sammy
    Aug 23, 2005

    have you tried flinging poo? I hear Simian hands are good for that. Perhaps you should watch the movie “Mighty Joe Young.” It may connect with you.

    Ben’s actually named for our great-great-great-great-great Uncle Banjo Hagen

  2. Joe
    Aug 23, 2005

    I Have tried flinging poo… It was really fun, but I could not stand the smell.

    Oh yeah, I forgot great-great-great-great-great Uncle Banjo Hagen. I found a picture of him…

  3. Sweet Sammy
    Aug 23, 2005

    Oh Banjo!

  4. Car
    Aug 23, 2005

    So, technically, you are an ape wearing clothing? Hmm…hypocrite?

  5. mo-in-la
    Aug 23, 2005

    OK….I’ve grinned….I’ve giggled….I’ve been highly amused almost every day………….
    TODAY I LAUGHED OUT-LOUD…..!!!!!!!!!
    Uncle Banjo’s picture and comment really cracked me up!
    Thanks Joe for allowing me to get in on your humor…..I can go to sleep happy tonight!!!

  6. Joe
    Aug 24, 2005

    I laughed out loud when I saw your response…

    I can see why you love Uncle Banjo… He was quite a ladies man.

  7. Joe
    Jun 05, 2006


    My ape hands make the best Omlettes in the month on June.