For my money there is not a cooler beast than the Buffalo. It is BIG, fairly fast, tough, and kind of smart. I mean, is there a better definition for “beast” than that? The Buffalo, on top of the massive amounts of coolness that it exudes, tastes really good, is cute when rendered as a stuffed animal, and should have another name (bison and Tatonka).

Why is the Buffalo not our national beast then? Well, one reason is that Republicans are afraid of this animal. In ancient times, the Republicans and the Bison were unified as one, living in harmony and bliss. After the completion of 100 years of peace between the groups, the Republicans decided that the animal, with it’s arched back, looked too much like Satan. So they turned on their long-time allies, and began to assassinate and rape the Bison leaders and murder innocent Bison women and children.

It was a dark time for the Bison… The Republicans began calling the Bison “Buffalo” which is actually a racial slur against this magical beast. The word was so insulting to the Bison in this time period that the this peace loving animal would set forth a barrage of profanity towards anyone who dare use it. Since the Republicans have no inner ear drums, the Bison were never herd (this is why Republicans do not listen today).

The Republicans had them on the run (literally). With little hope against the gun toting Republicans, and unable to get through with words (this is also why the Buffalo does not talk today), they decided to retreat, not knowing when the Republicans would come to their senses. They headed for a great and wonderful land called Yellow-Rock (since renamed Yellowstone, the Bison renamed it 112 years ago). In this great and wild land they found a calm peace for many generations. Young Bison were taught to stay away from the cities and streets, away from the restaurants and diners they used to eat at, away from their schools and library’s, and most of all, to stay away from Republicans.

Years later, the evil Republican empire nearly succeeded in wiping the word “Bison” from he English language, preferring the slang “Buffalo”. The past has all but been erased. Every once in a while, a story about a cave drawing will emerge in the news and vanish as fast as it was reported… This is the Republican-Buffalo-cover-up.

THIS, is why the Bison is not our national beast, and this is why Republicans are piss scared of the greatest beast to ever touch the Earth.